i'm just here

I haven't truly lived in a very, very long time. I exist, and life goes on around me, but I stay the same. Stagnant. Stubborn. Refusing to so much as blink.

In my short time on this earth, I have been given so many opportunities, things that a lot of people would kill for. And I just bat my lashes and keep walking. I barely even notice. But I do. Notice.

I have charisma. I make people laugh. I'm personable. But I'm so afraid of everything that I might be that I fail to be anything. I stand in my own way on purpose. I invent obstacles when there aren't any. I won't let myself be happy.


I've always been the kind of girl that's satisfied just know that she could be great. Just knowing the potential has always been enough. Actually growing it has never been that kind of girl's strongsuit. It's never been mine either.

I've applied that philosophy my entire life to academia. I could make straight As. It has always been enough for me to know that I could excell if I wanted, that I wasn't truly inept. But I never did homework or projects or anything of the sort because I simply didn't care. Excelling, or even succeeding at all, never mattered in the moment.

But now? I'm eighteen years old and I'm two years behind. Two years. I say it's one, but fuck it, that's a lie, it's two, I fucked around and I'm still fucking ar0und and I just don't want to admit it.

I was supposed to graduate in May.

I guess I've never really been able to grasp the concept of trying to succeed today meaning that eventually, tomorrow will come and you'll have succeeded.

I'm an expert at failure. It's what I know. I also know that I don't have to fail. If I don't want to.


But a part of me thinks I do want to. At least with failure I know what I'm getting into.