Paths

"But I like the path of least resistance,"
she replied at his insistance
that she take the high road. She said
"that's a long way to fall."

He told her "I'll catch you" and held out
his hands, but her face showed doubt
epitomised; so he rolled his eyes and
followed down that oh so beaten path.

"It's paved for a reason," she explained,
and he said nothing, beliefs maintained,
hands interlocked they walked on some
time before he spoke again.

"These steps taken are done with ease,
but if you would just appease--"
Arguing perspective points they put one
foot in front of each other all through life.

She still laughed and he still smiled,
Oh he thought she was wild;
And her eyes and feet still tripping
over his, they moved forward.

Her face grew tired and his annoyed
Conversation something to avoid.
And although they stood together
They were seperate; equal, but apart.

Until she had enough and informed
him of her decision, a deformed
"Some streets are best travelled on
alone," and they parted ways.

With tears in their eyes,
they whispered their goodbyes,
but it was the right choice; they were
each others path of most resistance.

She couldn't have that.

..

My mother's unhappiness is my fault. And she knows it. She hates me with every fiber of her being and she makes certain I know it every day. As much as she misses my brothers, I know that she wouldn't miss me. Hurricane Rebecca. The Burden. Destroyer of All Things Good and Holy.

She probably would have stayed with my father if I'd've kept my mouth shut about what he was doing. But I was stupid and I blabbed. So stupid. It's not like I didn't deserve it. He knew that I was worthless trash even then. If I had kept our little secret then maybe my mother would have learned to love me, even if it never came naturally.

She told me once that she hadn't even wanted another kid, but he kept pushing her until she gave in.

I bought her that stupid GPS because she said she wanted one and I just... I wanted to make her happy with me, I wanted to make her smile at me, even just for a minute. But she hated it. She didn't even pretend interest.

I can't even buy her affection. I can't even buy a simple thank you.

I just want... her to love me, no matter what, and make sure that I know that, even when I make her mad. I want her to care that I cry instead of mocking me. I want her to not tell me she wishes I were dead every time I do something bad, even though I deserve it. I want to feel like she would choose me if she had to, not out of obligation, but because she wants to.

i'm just here

I haven't truly lived in a very, very long time. I exist, and life goes on around me, but I stay the same. Stagnant. Stubborn. Refusing to so much as blink.

In my short time on this earth, I have been given so many opportunities, things that a lot of people would kill for. And I just bat my lashes and keep walking. I barely even notice. But I do. Notice.

I have charisma. I make people laugh. I'm personable. But I'm so afraid of everything that I might be that I fail to be anything. I stand in my own way on purpose. I invent obstacles when there aren't any. I won't let myself be happy.


I've always been the kind of girl that's satisfied just know that she could be great. Just knowing the potential has always been enough. Actually growing it has never been that kind of girl's strongsuit. It's never been mine either.

I've applied that philosophy my entire life to academia. I could make straight As. It has always been enough for me to know that I could excell if I wanted, that I wasn't truly inept. But I never did homework or projects or anything of the sort because I simply didn't care. Excelling, or even succeeding at all, never mattered in the moment.

But now? I'm eighteen years old and I'm two years behind. Two years. I say it's one, but fuck it, that's a lie, it's two, I fucked around and I'm still fucking ar0und and I just don't want to admit it.

I was supposed to graduate in May.

I guess I've never really been able to grasp the concept of trying to succeed today meaning that eventually, tomorrow will come and you'll have succeeded.

I'm an expert at failure. It's what I know. I also know that I don't have to fail. If I don't want to.


But a part of me thinks I do want to. At least with failure I know what I'm getting into.