I'm tired of being attacked

If I so much as mention doing anything other than schoolwork, at any point in time ever, I'm sick of being attacked. She wants me to be doing it 24 hours a goddamn day. Twice this week she's started in on a litany of my faults out of nowhere, we won't be talking about school work or anything and all the sudden she's gone batshit. Screaming, threatening to cancel it, threatening to kick me out, telling me what a lazy piece of shit I am.

I won't repeat the things I said today. They weren't appropriate; I'm ashamed of having said those things to my mother. But the message was valid and I won't apologise for that. She's being a bitch, and I'm tired of being attacked just because she doesn't see me with schoolbooks every time she walks in. It's like if she doesn't see it, it must not be happening, and therefore, I'm just a worthless lazy bitch. Her words, that last bit.

Oh.. and now she's threatening to blow out her brains because she got a late fee.

Grow the fuck up, mother. I hate that I'm beginning to hate her. But it's the truth.

Oh, wow.

She just went "I wish that goddamn 50 dollars would get here, I could use the gas money." Wow. Um. That's my money, thank you. I love how you entitled yourself to it.

She makes me want to die... But the difference between her and I is that I love her too much to ever tell her that. I will never tell her how I used to cry myself to sleep when she would snap, how I still cry when she's standing outside my door telling me how she wishes she were dead, how I punish myself for that, how I blame myself. She will never know.